Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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