i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
