Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
