dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize