The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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