I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
