Betty ford says i'm here all night
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
