she was so not down for the gang bang
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
