she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
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After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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