mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
