we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
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Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
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I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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