:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
