Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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