I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
