maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
