No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
