Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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