omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
