Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize