How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
