I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
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Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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