I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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