I haven't been this sober since birth.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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