i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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