I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
