My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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