i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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