i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
