I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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