i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
