I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
