ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
