Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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