Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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