I met the friendliest cop last night
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just had sex on a roof
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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