Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
