Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
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He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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