I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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