Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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