I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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