Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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