i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
