im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
