I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
