if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
