I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
