onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
