i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
