Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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