can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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