This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
