So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
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Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
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He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He shit in the fireplace
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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