Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
