I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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