No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
