we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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