Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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