So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
